claudio rivera

drums | technology | life

crossroads

Jan 27

Posted by claudio in drums, life, music | No Comments

kind of like this, but not really.


i’m at a strange point in my life, right now. it’s like that bone thugs-n-harmony song “tha crossroads”, except it’s not about eazy-e dying. maybe it’s more like the britney spears movie, but with less scantily clad britney dancing.

anyway, here’s where i’m at: motion city is no longer my employer. the reason for this is somewhat complex, but it basically comes down to the fact that i took a chance on something different and it didn’t work out. however, another big factor was the plain fact that i wanted to keep playing drums, and i felt like if i kept teching, i would never be able to be in a full-time touring band.

essentially, my passion for playing drums in a band was more powerful than my desire to live comfortably and have a “career”. this is a choice that i made, and i can’t regret it.

ironic, then, that i find myself working a regular job again, for the first time in years. i thought i was supposed to be playing drums? if i wanted a job, shouldn’t i have kept the best job i ever had with motion city?

well, sometimes, things don’t work out the way we’d like.

the thing that makes me the happiest, right now, is still playing drums. i’ve been rehearsing with a local hip-hop group called culture cry wolf. i can’t say whether or not i’m fully committed, at this point. in fact, i don’t think i could ever say that. i feel like, in the past, being committed kept me from being approached by other projects. people don’t seem to realize that i’m able and willing to do multiple projects at once. but, perhaps, that’s a problem in itself. if i can’t commit, who will want me?

at any rate, i’m having a blast playing with them. but, in terms of paying dues, this is definitely taking a few steps back. i’m still pondering this fact and how it affects my desire to be in this kind of band. at least i’ve found a group that doesn’t care about image, age, or hair styles. that is certainly refreshing, and definitely a good reason for staying with them.

new in the mix is an opportunity to relocate out of state to join an up-and-coming band. but, how can i rationalize making that move, when i’ve already decided that i can’t afford to take any more chances? well, for one, i’ve already lost my tech job, so what more do i have to lose, now? and, secondly, i guess i could draw the analogy of brett favre to football. no matter how old i am, and no matter how many times i retire, i’ll always want to play.

i know that i would eventually become complacent with an “ordinary” life. my new job at gameworks is the easiest job i’ve had in my entire life, and while it doesn’t pay much, it does technically pay the bills. (even if/when i move into an apartment). it might take weeks, months, or years. but, sooner or later, i’ll be happy. i’ll find new things to live for, like a family. but, am i ready for that, right now, when i still feel like i have so much more drumming left to do?

(edit: i should also mention a stupid secondary concern. when i was interviewing at gameworks, and my boss asked me whether or not i’d get bored of it and quit in a month, i told him “of course not”. that was how i truly felt, at that time. and i feel like i’m a man of my word. so, how do i explain myself, if i did end up doing something crazy, like moving out of state?)

in short, i don’t know what to do with myself. i’m a bitter old man who has grown, at times, very jaded with the all-ages music scene. am i a has-been? a never-was? a could’ve-been? where does my type go to die? or do we keep fighting the good fight, no matter how futile?

questions, comments, and concerns are gratefully appreciated.

pass

Jan 11

Posted by claudio in life | No Comments

i’ve been trying to figure out where to draw the line between certain issues being my fault or everyone else’s. i’ve adviced many people, in the past, to start looking at themselves, if they keep coming up with the same problems. once is a fluke. the 13th or 14th time might be a sign.

there’s a cycle that you enter, where you have no confidence, because nobody has given you any affirmation that you’re worth it, and that ends up being the reason why nobody thinks you’re worth it. this is the reason that the lonely get lonelier. the depressed get more depressed. and, eventually, you have to make your goals more realistic.

i’m actually not just talking about relationships. although, i can talk to you all day about the countless number of people who talk about wanting a certain kind of someone, and make themselves out to be of a whimsical or mysterious nature, only to find that we’re really all the same inside. i told someone this, recently: not all great gifts come in creative packaging.

anyway, i’ve been passed on a number of opportunities which i truly believe would have benefitted from what i have to offer. i’ve been passed on by people who have pre-conceived notions about the opposite gender. and i’ve been passed on. and i’ve been passed on.

and, it starts to take its toll.

this is where i need to re-evaluate what makes me happy. and if i have to make sacrifices and be passed on for the rest of my life, then that’s what i have to do. nothing is going to fall in my lap. my time for that has long passed.

dirty laundry

Jan 2

Posted by claudio in life | Comments off

i’ve had some rough breakups, in my time, but my most recent one has reached incredible heights. with just a few pieces of info, i learned that i was being lied to and lead on to think that nothing was wrong.

in fact, trying to save face, the lies continued, well beyond the breakup. it wasn’t until irrefutible evidence was presented that she recanted, and all hopes of repair were completely gone.

in addition, an attempt to emasculate me unearthed allegations of promiscuity that one would think would bring more shame than pride. whether or not the allegations are true, the mere idea of expanding or exaggerating on an already unfavorable act seems despicably vengeful and heartless.

i’m not proud of the way i handled certain things, and this isn’t something new, for me. when i’m hurt, my coping mechanism becomes anger and desperation. i would even venture to call it immature. but, the circumstances under which these reactions occur can generally be understood to elicit such a response. one can be lied to, and they can respond with anger or fear or even a lie. but, none of those change the original fact–that one was lied to.

so, that’s where i am, right now. trying to cope with the fact that the person i was with didn’t find me attractive, told someone that they were over me, and then continued to be with me–every day, telling me how much they were in love with me. interestingly enough, after she officially ended things with me, she insisted to me that she didn’t want to date and wouldn’t have a boyfriend for a while–all the while, carrying on lengthy conversations with the afformentioned new love interest.

i’m quite sure of what my friends will tell me. they will tell me to get over it and move on. and that’s surely what i’m trying to do. but, i’m also asking for anyone who is a friend of mine to re-evaluate their friendship with my ex. honestly, i don’t think many thought highly of her, to begin with. but, it may certainly help in my healing process to hear that my friends, too, are moving on.

and, just to clarify, i was not the person to whom a recent status update was directed at. i respond to all heartfelt emails. however, i was the person to whom a different recent status update was directed at. according to my ex, she has never loved anyone more than me. strong words, for someone who was conspiring to leave me, unbeknownst to me.

that’s what i’m dealing with. sorry to air my dirty laundry. this is really not my style. but, it had to be said. i’m working on picking up the pieces, now.