i’m at a strange point in my life, right now. it’s like that bone thugs-n-harmony song “tha crossroads”, except it’s not about eazy-e dying. maybe it’s more like the britney spears movie, but with less scantily clad britney dancing.

anyway, here’s where i’m at: motion city is no longer my employer. the reason for this is somewhat complex, but it basically comes down to the fact that i took a chance on something different and it didn’t work out. however, another big factor was the plain fact that i wanted to keep playing drums, and i felt like if i kept teching, i would never be able to be in a full-time touring band.

essentially, my passion for playing drums in a band was more powerful than my desire to live comfortably and have a “career”. this is a choice that i made, and i can’t regret it.

ironic, then, that i find myself working a regular job again, for the first time in years. i thought i was supposed to be playing drums? if i wanted a job, shouldn’t i have kept the best job i ever had with motion city?

well, sometimes, things don’t work out the way we’d like.

the thing that makes me the happiest, right now, is still playing drums. i’ve been rehearsing with a local hip-hop group called culture cry wolf. i can’t say whether or not i’m fully committed, at this point. in fact, i don’t think i could ever say that. i feel like, in the past, being committed kept me from being approached by other projects. people don’t seem to realize that i’m able and willing to do multiple projects at once. but, perhaps, that’s a problem in itself. if i can’t commit, who will want me?

at any rate, i’m having a blast playing with them. but, in terms of paying dues, this is definitely taking a few steps back. i’m still pondering this fact and how it affects my desire to be in this kind of band. at least i’ve found a group that doesn’t care about image, age, or hair styles. that is certainly refreshing, and definitely a good reason for staying with them.

new in the mix is an opportunity to relocate out of state to join an up-and-coming band. but, how can i rationalize making that move, when i’ve already decided that i can’t afford to take any more chances? well, for one, i’ve already lost my tech job, so what more do i have to lose, now? and, secondly, i guess i could draw the analogy of brett favre to football. no matter how old i am, and no matter how many times i retire, i’ll always want to play.

i know that i would eventually become complacent with an “ordinary” life. my new job at gameworks is the easiest job i’ve had in my entire life, and while it doesn’t pay much, it does technically pay the bills. (even if/when i move into an apartment). it might take weeks, months, or years. but, sooner or later, i’ll be happy. i’ll find new things to live for, like a family. but, am i ready for that, right now, when i still feel like i have so much more drumming left to do?

(edit: i should also mention a stupid secondary concern. when i was interviewing at gameworks, and my boss asked me whether or not i’d get bored of it and quit in a month, i told him “of course not”. that was how i truly felt, at that time. and i feel like i’m a man of my word. so, how do i explain myself, if i did end up doing something crazy, like moving out of state?)

in short, i don’t know what to do with myself. i’m a bitter old man who has grown, at times, very jaded with the all-ages music scene. am i a has-been? a never-was? a could’ve-been? where does my type go to die? or do we keep fighting the good fight, no matter how futile?

questions, comments, and concerns are gratefully appreciated.