kind of like this, but not really.

anyway, here’s where i’m at: motion city is no longer my employer. the reason for this is somewhat complex, but it basically comes down to the fact that i took a chance on something different and it didn’t work out. however, another big factor was the plain fact that i wanted to keep playing drums, and i felt like if i kept teching, i would never be able to be in a full-time touring band.

essentially, my passion for playing drums in a band was more powerful than my desire to live comfortably and have a “career”. this is a choice that i made, and i can’t regret it.

ironic, then, that i find myself working a regular job again, for the first time in years. i thought i was supposed to be playing drums? if i wanted a job, shouldn’t i have kept the best job i ever had with motion city?

well, sometimes, things don’t work out the way we’d like.

the thing that makes me the happiest, right now, is still playing drums. i’ve been rehearsing with a local hip-hop group called culture cry wolf. i can’t say whether or not i’m fully committed, at this point. in fact, i don’t think i could ever say that. i feel like, in the past, being committed kept me from being approached by other projects. people don’t seem to realize that i’m able and willing to do multiple projects at once. but, perhaps, that’s a problem in itself. if i can’t commit, who will want me?

at any rate, i’m having a blast playing with them. but, in terms of paying dues, this is definitely taking a few steps back. i’m still pondering this fact and how it affects my desire to be in this kind of band. at least i’ve found a group that doesn’t care about image, age, or hair styles. that is certainly refreshing, and definitely a good reason for staying with them.

new in the mix is an opportunity to relocate out of state to join an up-and-coming band. but, how can i rationalize making that move, when i’ve already decided that i can’t afford to take any more chances? well, for one, i’ve already lost my tech job, so what more do i have to lose, now? and, secondly, i guess i could draw the analogy of brett favre to football. no matter how old i am, and no matter how many times i retire, i’ll always want to play.

i know that i would eventually become complacent with an “ordinary” life. my new job at gameworks is the easiest job i’ve had in my entire life, and while it doesn’t pay much, it does technically pay the bills. (even if/when i move into an apartment). it might take weeks, months, or years. but, sooner or later, i’ll be happy. i’ll find new things to live for, like a family. but, am i ready for that, right now, when i still feel like i have so much more drumming left to do?

(edit: i should also mention a stupid secondary concern. when i was interviewing at gameworks, and my boss asked me whether or not i’d get bored of it and quit in a month, i told him “of course not”. that was how i truly felt, at that time. and i feel like i’m a man of my word. so, how do i explain myself, if i did end up doing something crazy, like moving out of state?)

in short, i don’t know what to do with myself. i’m a bitter old man who has grown, at times, very jaded with the all-ages music scene. am i a has-been? a never-was? a could’ve-been? where does my type go to die? or do we keep fighting the good fight, no matter how futile?

questions, comments, and concerns are gratefully appreciated.

there’s a cycle that you enter, where you have no confidence, because nobody has given you any affirmation that you’re worth it, and that ends up being the reason why nobody thinks you’re worth it. this is the reason that the lonely get lonelier. the depressed get more depressed. and, eventually, you have to make your goals more realistic.

i’m actually not just talking about relationships. although, i can talk to you all day about the countless number of people who talk about wanting a certain kind of someone, and make themselves out to be of a whimsical or mysterious nature, only to find that we’re really all the same inside. i told someone this, recently: not all great gifts come in creative packaging.

anyway, i’ve been passed on a number of opportunities which i truly believe would have benefitted from what i have to offer. i’ve been passed on by people who have pre-conceived notions about the opposite gender. and i’ve been passed on. and i’ve been passed on.

and, it starts to take its toll.

this is where i need to re-evaluate what makes me happy. and if i have to make sacrifices and be passed on for the rest of my life, then that’s what i have to do. nothing is going to fall in my lap. my time for that has long passed.

in fact, trying to save face, the lies continued, well beyond the breakup. it wasn’t until irrefutible evidence was presented that she recanted, and all hopes of repair were completely gone.

in addition, an attempt to emasculate me unearthed allegations of promiscuity that one would think would bring more shame than pride. whether or not the allegations are true, the mere idea of expanding or exaggerating on an already unfavorable act seems despicably vengeful and heartless.

i’m not proud of the way i handled certain things, and this isn’t something new, for me. when i’m hurt, my coping mechanism becomes anger and desperation. i would even venture to call it immature. but, the circumstances under which these reactions occur can generally be understood to elicit such a response. one can be lied to, and they can respond with anger or fear or even a lie. but, none of those change the original fact–that one was lied to.

so, that’s where i am, right now. trying to cope with the fact that the person i was with didn’t find me attractive, told someone that they were over me, and then continued to be with me–every day, telling me how much they were in love with me. interestingly enough, after she officially ended things with me, she insisted to me that she didn’t want to date and wouldn’t have a boyfriend for a while–all the while, carrying on lengthy conversations with the afformentioned new love interest.

i’m quite sure of what my friends will tell me. they will tell me to get over it and move on. and that’s surely what i’m trying to do. but, i’m also asking for anyone who is a friend of mine to re-evaluate their friendship with my ex. honestly, i don’t think many thought highly of her, to begin with. but, it may certainly help in my healing process to hear that my friends, too, are moving on.

and, just to clarify, i was not the person to whom a recent status update was directed at. i respond to all heartfelt emails. however, i was the person to whom a different recent status update was directed at. according to my ex, she has never loved anyone more than me. strong words, for someone who was conspiring to leave me, unbeknownst to me.

that’s what i’m dealing with. sorry to air my dirty laundry. this is really not my style. but, it had to be said. i’m working on picking up the pieces, now.

wink wink, nudge nudge

anyway, the show was amazing. the sound was incredible, the lights were great. it was the first time in a long time that i’ve watched a show as a fan. usually, i spend most of the time checking out the rigging, thinking about how early the crew must’ve loaded in, and things of that nature. for weezer, though, i was just singing along, at the top of my lungs.

the following morning, we had a day off. and, hearing the news about rivers, had a show cancel. another day off. and the tour cancelled. more days off. it was by far the most days off in a row i’ve ever had. i guess i can’t complain, right? heh.

so, just three shows with weezer, and that was that. fortunately for motion city, they have more shows with them, in january. but, for me, that’s it.

i’m hoping that things with jimmy robbins pick up, because if there’s no work for me there, there’s pretty much no work for me anywhere. well, none that i’d like to do, anyway. there’s plenty of cover bands and hobby bands, but i feel like i can’t waste my time with that, while my window of opportunity for doing rock bands is still open. heh.

orphans are fun!

i finally saw the movie “annie”. it was really good! and it taught a valuable life lesson: money buys happiness… because money buys orphans.

this modern world

health care is a very important issue that affects us all. and health care reform is something that will benefit us all. so, it’s sad when an issue like this gets fringe groups to come out and give the illusion that there’s even a debate.

this is just like tax cuts for the rich. amazingly, fox news and the republicans know how to motivate their party, and it ends up being that the people who benefit the least from tax cuts end up doing all the foot work for the ones that benefit the most (the rich).

in the health care debate, it’s the same story. lower and middle class folk are out there, spewing crazy talk, in order to protect a system that only benefits the insurance company ceos. i know, in my heart of hearts, that most of the people in those rallies would greatly benefit from free health care.

imagine being able to go to any clinic/hospital/doctor that you choose, getting the care that you need, and not having to pay a cent. it works in many countries. i know people who have gotten free care in the uk and in japan. universal healthcare is real and it works in a lot of countries. i wish we had it here in the us.

hedwig and the angry inch

primal fear

falling down

standard operating procedure

overnight

aside from “falling down” (which was cheesy) and “standard operating procedure” (which was, sadly, nothing new to me), i was pretty happy with my choices. i was especially stoked about hedwig. i thought the story was great, the music was rad (performed by eli and girls against boys), and the lead actor was amazing. i’m bummed that i missed the boat on that movie, cause apparently, it was released in 2001? heh.

anyway, tomorrow, we have a quick jimmy-less rehearsal, before we meet back up with him in los angeles on saturday. i’m pretty excited about this next leg of tour, as it will be in a 15 passenger van. it’s always nicer to have a place to call home, even if it’s a home on wheels. the flying and renting minivan deal was getting a little rough, and it never felt like we were a band on tour. so, it’ll be nice to be doing it legit. now, we just need our full backline and that will make for a very happy me. hehe.

what else is new? i rooted and installed cyanogenmod on my g1. very happy about it. i bought a class 6 microsd card and partitioned it with a fat32 media storage partition, an ext4 app storage partition, and a swap partition. the combination of the swap and the custom mod have definitely given me a performance boost. and i don’t have to worry about running out of space again! now, if only phone makers would stop seeing android as a low-cost alternative and actually start putting it on decent hardware, we wouldn’t need to do so much hacking! haha.

first of all, i have a full on sore throat and stuffy nose. like, some kind of cold. really, immune system? this is gonna happen in the middle of the summer? booo. i think it has to do with the fact that since getting home, i’ve been using my home toothbrush and not my tour one. and i think my home one might have had creepy crawlies left on it, from the last time i was sick. so, lesson of the day: ABBNT… always be buying new toothbrushes!

then, i get a phone call from alamo/national car rental. when we returned our mini-van at o’hare, last week, we left our tomtom gps guy in it. d’oh! anyway, this lady called the next day and asked if i left something in the car. we were thrilled! i told her that we left our tomtom in the glove box. she asked if she could mail it to me at my address on file, and i was thrilled, especially since she said she wouldn’t charge me.

well, fast forward to today, where i woke up to a missed call from a number i didn’t recognize. so, i called and it rang a bunch. i was almost gonna hang up. finally, a lady answers “thanks for calling alamo rent-a-car”. for some reason (probably cause i had just woken up), i said “oh, wrong number”. but, then she asks “did you leave something in your car?” hmm.

we then proceeded to have the exact same conversation that we had last week. wtf?

so confused right now. haha.

the thing about the creatures is that they were killing dogs. i’m not sure why. i think in the video game, they were the good guys and the dogs are like mutants. it was some kind of crazy role reversal intra-dimensional shit.

at any rate, it was scary and i hope some giant werewolf creature with guns doesn’t ever shoot my dog. (i don’t even have a dog).

i’m playing drums for jimmy robbins. check out his music! he’s a super nice and funny guy and we hit it off right away. jimmy has the potential to be huge, and i wish nothing more than that, because that would mean that i’m along for the ride. hehe. we have three fly dates, right now, but lots of stuff is in the works.

my week with motion city was amazing. mark hoppus is hilarious. chris holmes is the man. tony is an animal. eastwest studios are beautiful! easily, the most fun job i’ve ever taken. hehe.

speaking of motion city and hoppus, i’m also working for mcs for two shows in las vegas with blink 182. i’m flying out tomorrow morning to los angeles, picking up the van and trailer, and driving to vegas. couple days of rehearsal, couple shows, and i fly home. should be busy, but fun times.

i’ve been trying to eat healthy for about three weeks now, and it’s going alright. i’m of the opinion that even baby steps are a positive thing, and i’ve taken huge leaps in my diet, so i’m pretty stoked. i wish i could keep up with the excercise portion of it, but when i need to be in three places at once, it can be difficult to squeeze in a workout. at any rate, the scale says i’ve lost about five pounds, so something’s working! hehe.

jesse and jessica’s wedding is in august and i just booked my flight and rental car. this might be the first time i’ve ever done something so grown-up, all by myself. haha. probably because i’ve never had enough money to do so. oh wait, i don’t have money right now. what am i doing? ahhh!

lastly, i leave you with yet another submission to the blog of unecessary quotation marks that was either lost in the pile of submissions, or deemed not worthy enough. i happen to think it’s a “good” one.

it's a new law, alright... *wink wink nudge nudge*